The Destruction of the Clans
by CrypticCatalyst
Summary: A Warriors Crackfic in which Jayfeather sets off a chain of events that destroys Thunderclan from the inside, and eventually all of the clans are sucked into the chaos. Will the cats ever find out Shrek's knowledge of the universe? Will anyone survive? Will Blackstar fire Runningnose? Read to find out. Rated T, because paranoia is healthy. Flames will be eaten by narwhals.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: A crackfic, because why not? This is meant to be short, insane, and nonsensical.

"Why do you keep putting the prey you catch in the Dirtplace?" Bramblestar demanded, narrowing his eyes at Jayfeather.

"So they can get it all out of their system before I put them in my mouth." Jayfeather huffed.

"Lionblaze found them in the corner, rotting. This needs to stop."

"NEVER." Jayfeather screamed.

"You are no longer a medicine cat, then. Sandstorm can be kicked out of the elder's den to replace you."

"What the actual ****, Bramblekit?!" Sandstorm jumped on him and tried to rip his throat out.

"I'm a STAR, and I always will be!" Bramblestar promptly killed her.

"You just killed your stepmother, you dolt." Leafpool yelled, trying to cram Deathberries in his mouth. Squirrelflight joined in.

"All of this has granted me the power of sight! I'm out of here, suckers!" Jayfeather ran out of camp and was hit by a monster. He died on impact.

"I killed him! I'm the new leader!" Leafpool announced to the clan. "Call me Leafstar!"

Firestar came down from StarClan. "Sorry, but there's already a Leafstar of SkyClan." He went back to StarClan, carrying Sandstorm's dead body.

"I'm Squirrelstar!" Squirrelflight told everyone.

"WHAT IS GOING ON?" Bumblestripe wailed.

"I DON'T UNDERSTAND!" Purdy had a heart attack and died. Everyone saw the dead elder and they were all so horrified at the sight of the ticks eating the body that they all had heart attacks and died too.

A few weeks later, the other clans came together and tried to figure out what had wiped out Thunderclan. When they gathered, though, everyone in Starclan told them to **** off, because they were busy holding an Illuminati meeting. The next day, the only evidence of the meeting was a few Dewrito crumbs on the grass. And so the remaining clans fought over Thunderclan's territory and everyone died.

They all joined the Illuminati in StarClan.

The End.


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey peoples of the Earth! I received some positive reviews on this, so I decided to make another chapter, just for you guys. Enjoy the weirdness.**

"It has come to our attention that Shrek holds all of the secrets of the universe. We need to send a group of cats to find him and ask him for guidance." Bluestar told the cats of StarClan.

"I'll go." Jayfeather offered. He was blind again for some reason, so he kept bumping into other cats and making them face-plant.

"I'll go too!" Briarlight dragged herself to the front of the crowd, getting filth all over her back legs.

"I wanna go!" Mousefur shrieked.

"Then you three are set to go." Bluestar walked away.

"They're all Thunderclan." Onestar complained.

"The blind cat, the cripple, and the senile elder who tortured apprentices for many moons by crapping her own bedding and somehow becoming infested with ticks, even though she didn't even leave camp. What more could you ask for?" Mistystar reasoned. Blackstar nodded in agreement.

"Besides, we all know that ThunderClan saves everyone's asses 24/7." Firestar added. As Jayfeather, Briarlight, and Mousefur left camp, a fight broke out behind them. Being handicapped and oblivious, they didn't notice the tirade of expletives and screams of pain that followed them.

"We need a traveling song." Briarlight commented.

"I know an ancient one from the times of the dinosaurs." Mousefur grumbled. "Let us pay homage to our ancestors."

"I think I know what you're getting at. I am a time-traveling boss, after all." Jayfeather put in.

"WE'RE GOING ON A TRIP IN OUR FAVORITE ROCKET SHIP…" Mousefur screeched. Jayfeather's ears ruptured, and being both blind and deaf, he was hit by a ghost monster and died on impact. And then there were two.

"Mousefur, please never do that again." Briarlight looked terrified for her life.

"NEVER. WE'RE GOING ON A MISSION, START THE COUNTDOWN! FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE!"

"Holy **** she can count!" Briarlight yelled to no one in particular, and then proved the theory of spontaneous combustion to be correct.

Mousefur hobbled through the trees, singing the Little Einsteins theme song and killing every small creature in the vicinity with her awful voice. She stumbled across a twoleg, who was tapping a glowing rectangle with symbols on it. She tried to run away, but was too old. The twoleg picked her up.

"Mousefur! I was just typing a FanFiction involving you. In fact, I'm BlazingFlames, here to help you with your mission." The twoleg turned back to the glowing screen for a moment. Mousefur was perplexed. How did this twoleg speak cat? What was going on?

"You can teach me Shrek's knowledge?" She asked, barely able to remember what her mission was because she was old and senile.

"Yeah. This is something called YouTube." The twoleg gestured towards the screen with a paw. "This is called Shrek is love, Shrek is life." Images played across the screen, and as Mousefur watched, all became clear.

"Thank you, BlazingFlames. It all makes sense now." Mousefur rasped. Without waiting for a reply, the elder ran at top speed, about half a mile per hour, back to StarClan's camp. There were a few dead cats here and there being eaten by other cats, so there was nothing unusual about the serene and peaceful place where all the good cats went when they died.

"Everyone gather! Mousefur has killed her two quest mates and is about to tell us the secret of Shrek!" Bramblestar yelled. Everyone sat, forming a triangle because they were, of course, the Illuminati after all.

"The secret is that-" Mousefur suddenly but not surprisingly had a heart attack. All of the medicine cats swarmed her with their shock pads. They electrocuted her, but Runningnose dripped some snot on her body and it was all over, despite the fact that StarClan cats shouldn't be able to have heart attacks.

"Well, I guess we need to send some more cats." Bluestar shrugged, disappointment written across her features.

**A/N: If you guys want me to continue this, then say so in a review! Thanks for reading, and stay awesome ;)**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: FiresOfHope, thanks for your amazing review. I hope that this lives up to the last two chapters. Warning: Lots of capital letters. You guys may have realized by now that I can be a bit offensive, but rest assured, I only hate on Tigerstar, Mapleshade, Darkstripe, and pretty much the Dark Forest cats in real life.**

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"Well, since ThunderClan has proved to be incompetent, I think that I should send three WindClan cats instead." Onestar proclaimed.

"BOO!" Leafpool shouted, glaring at Crowfeather.

"THE WARRIOR CODE! THE CODE!" Hollyleaf screamed, nearly fainting. This occurred more and more often with every passing day.

"THE WARRIOR CODE IS A LOAD OF BULL, SO SHUT UP!" Yellowfang yelled.

"NEVER, YOU CODE-BREAKER!" Hollyleaf tackled Yellowfang and the she-cats shredded each other apart.

"CROWFEATHER (BECAUSE NO ONE LIKES YOU), FURZEPELT (BECAUSE OF YOUR RIDICULOUS NAME), AND HAWKHEART (BECAUSE YOU KILLED BLUESTAR'S MOM). YOU THREE GO MAKE WIMDCLAN LOOK BETTER THAN THUNDERCLAN!" Onestar screeched so loudly that Tallstar jumped on him and slapped him across the face with his paw.

"Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh." Tallstar shushed him, spitting all over his face in the process. "Be quiet in the library."

"THIS ISN'T A ****ING LIBRARY!" Sandgorse shouted defiantly.

"Noooooooo my faaatheerrrr." Tallstar had a heart attack.

"Okay cats roll out!" Crowfeather ran through the plains of StarClan, pursued by Hawkheart and Furzepelt.

"Guys wait!" Hawkheart began to dig a hole in the dirt. "Diggin' a hole, diggin' a hole," He chanted.

"We aren't in Minecraft, you brain dead fool." Crowfeather snapped. But everyone knows that in Minecraft, you should never dig straight down. Hawkheart fell into an underground cave system and landed in a pool of lava, burning to death. And so there were two.

"Crowfeather you sonuva*****, choose your loyalty. Feathertail, Nightcloud, or Leafpool. Is a Shadowclan she-cat next?" Furzepelt ranted as they moved on, ignoring Hawkheart's screams of agony. "I mean, I think I ship you with Feathertail the most, but I dunno…"

"I HATE YOU." Crowfeather exploded into a million tiny ducks. Furzepelt fled in horror. He then bumped straight into a twoleg. It picked him up.

"Look, I already gave Mousefur all of the info, but to continue this fic, you're going to inevitably die too. Sorry." BlazingFlames showed him the YouTube video, then sent him back.

"Everyone I know Shrek's secret!" Furzepelt shouted.

"First I have something to tell you." Furzepelt's mother stepped forward. "Your name isn't actually something to be proud of, there was a typo on your birth certificate. The guy typing it had an aneurysm and spazzed out when he was entering it in."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO." Furzepelt fainted.

"That was a lot of Os." Ferncloud commented.

"I like Cheetos." Purdy announced, going cross-eyed.

"That was the sanest thing you've ever said." Lionblaze looked at Purdy with newfound respect. "Wait, how did you get into StarClan you filthy stray?"

"WE NEED TO USE OUR DEVILCRAFT - I MEAN MEDICINE SKILLS TO FIX HIM." Runningnose ran towards Furzepelt and sneezed. Mothwing took the brunt of the damage, dissolving as if acid had been poured on her. Some got onto Furzepelt just as he woke up, and he dissolved as well.

"Runningnose, you're fired." Blackstar said, shaking his head.

"It's RiverClan's turn to see if we can do it right!" Leopardstar declared. Crookedstar nodded, and in the background Rainflower retched at the sight of his face.

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**Another A/N: I think you're starting to figure out the pattern here now. Any requests for the three RiverClan cats? Put your suggestions in that little box below, and as always, stay awesome ;)**


	4. Chapter 4

**Thanks for the reviews, Jadeflower, Breezekit, and yolo! I'm sorry that I couldn't do every requested cat, but I tried. Remember, I don't actually hate any of these cats.**

"Okay, listen up you bunch of derp faces. We all know by now that everyone who goes out there dies. So first and foremost, we're sacrificing Graypool because she's an elder and no one likes elders because the apprentices have to clean up their crap and clean their tick-infested bodies. Also, what even is a gray pool? Sounds like sewage water." Mistystar said to the remaining cats.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY I'M OLD AND DEAF AND I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" Graypool shouted.

"You're going on a trip on our favorite rocket ship." Lionblaze said into her ear.

"ROCKET? THAT BASTARD HE CHEATED ON ME WITH MOUSEFUR." Graypool exploded in a shower of blood and guts.

"Lionblaze, you're not allowed to talk to elders anymore." Bramblestar said to the tom.

"Okay let's make this quick. Rainflower, you're a terrible mother so we're going to let you go off and die. Crookedstar, even though you're a STAR, to be quite frank you're hideous. Anyone who sees your face has blood leaking out of their eyes. The only reason why you're even a good fisher is because the fish see you and are paralyzed in terror."

Crookedstar burst into tears. "YOUR WORDS ARE HURTING ME."

"I don't give two ****s about your pain. Just get your job done."

"I'm proud of your emotional detachment, daughter." Bluestar said to her.

"Thanks, abandoning mother who I didn't even know was my real mother until I was full-grown. Now we will do a vote on who will be the last cat to offer as tribute. You all have voting ballots. No peeking at other cat's selections or you are automatically chosen."

"Icewing's cheating!" Dewkit tattled.

"ICEWING I JUST ****ING SAID NOT TO CHEAT YOU COMPLETE IMBECILE. AND DEWKIT, GO SIT IN THE TIME-OUT CORNER FOR BEING A TATTLETALE." Mistystar glared at him.

"YOU CAN'T DO THAT! HE'S A THUNDERCLAN CAT." Firestar yelled.

"Technically, we're all in the same clan. StarClan."

"Fine. You know what? Dewkit, you can never have Mountain Dew again."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Dewkit spontaneously combusted just like Briarlight.

"Did I mention that I like Cheetos?" Purdy asked.

"No one gives a ****." Amberkit replied.

"Ohhhhhhhhhh you just got burned by a she-kit!" Longtail laughed.

"SHUT UP CRIPPLE. ICEWING, RAINFLOWER, AND CROOKEDSTAR, GO TRY TO DISCOVER SHREK'S SECRET AND DIE TRYING." Mistystar screeched.

"Fine. Since I'm a mother****ing STAR, I'm leading." Crookedstar marched off, with the other cats in tow.

"I ordered some Doritos Locos Tacos while we wait." Dovewing announced.

"HAIL YEAH." The cats proceeded to get high on the tacos.

Meanwhile, Crookedstar, Rainflower, and Icewing, were about to cross a stream when they saw a giant Pikachu appear.

"EACH OF YOU CAN GIVE YOUR OWN SEPARATE ANSWER. THOSE WHO GET IT RIGHT CAN PASS, WHILE THOSE WHO GET IT WRONG WILL DIE." He squeaked. "WHAT IS NINE PLUS TEN?"

"It's twenty one." Crookedstar and Icewing chorused. The white she-cat flicked her tail nervously.

"You fools. It's nineteen." Rainflower raised her nose and waited for a passage to open for her. Instead, Pikachu used Electro Ball on her and left her fried carcass in the river. He disappeared, letting Icewing and Crookedstar to swim across the river.

"So… why'd you cheat?" Crookedstar asked awkwardly as he shook water from his thick pelt.

"I didn't! You can't even cheat when you're voting for a cat's death! I was checking on what my kits were voting for."

"You could have said that to Mistystar, AKA the cat who sacrificed her own uncle to death."

"Ouch." Icewing commented. And that was when she noticed that there was a fish in the river. "OH MY STARCLAN! FISH!"

"That's not a fish…" Crookedstar began. But it was too late. Icewing was eating his mother's corpse. "Nevermind. What's it taste like?"

"Chicken." As she said it, enormous cat that looked a bit like a chicken appeared.

"I AM CHICKENSTAR FROM CHICKENCLAN AND THIS INSULT WILL NOT STAND. YOU ARE VERY WELL AWARE THAT CHICKEN TASTES LIKE TURKEY, NOT FISH."

"Oh crap." Icewing was turned into a chicken and then was eaten by Chickenstar.

"TASTES LIKE TURKEY." He said before vanishing.

"WHY ME?" Crookedstar wailed, traumatized by what he had seen.

"You are destined to be a great warrior. Have some maple syrup." Her turned to see Mapleshade standing in the shadows.

"What?"

"It's fresh. Come on, no artificial colors or flavors or anything."

"Okay." Crookedstar drank some out of a bottle, despite the fact that he had no opposable thumbs. He exploded because the syrup was too evil.

"LOL I WIN! I KILLED HIM AND EVERYONE HE CARED ABOUT AND-" Mapleshade stopped speaking as a twoleg maneuvered around trees and bushes to join her.

"Mapleshade, you know we don't give free samples." BlazingFlames said, shaking her head.

"This batch was too evil."

"Oh really?" The twoleg girl chugged an entire gallon of it. "Tastes fine to me." She walked away.

Mapleshade was in disbelief. Even if that gallon had been shared between herself, Thistleclaw, Tigerstar, Brokenstar, Hawkfrost, and Darkstripe, they couldn't have handled the evilness. "Wait! Will you be my master?" Mapleshade meowed, chasing after her.

Later that day, everyone in the StarClan camp confirmed that the RiverClan cats must be dead.

"Shame," Mistystar sighed, while Willowbreeze, Oakheart, Shellheart, Silverstream, Minnowkit, and Willowkit all cried in the corner.

"Wait a second! ShadowClan can do this! We live in the swamp just like Shrek." Sagewhisker realized. Everyone absorbed this information and simultaneously facepalmed.

**A/N: Any suggestions for which ShadowClan cat to sacrifice (or maybe not )? **


End file.
